Facepalm Springs
by ScorplinginTraining
Summary: Who wouldn't want to go to a 'fabulous' spa in Palm Springs for a reunion with Paige's sorority sisters? Three guesses.
1. Chapter 1

FACEPALM SPRINGS

 **AN: My last story was kind of intense, so I wanted to write a fluffy chaser. I just love putting Walter in awkward situations, poor guy. In the series we see Paige constantly interacting with geniuses. I wanted to see how Walter would do when surrounded by her crowd for a change.**

 **OXOXOXOXOXO**

"Okay listen up, everyone! This next 'get reacquainted' game is _so_ cool. Write down whatever comes to your mind. It's called free association writing. One minute. Ready? Go."

' _ **This is stupid.**_

 _ **That's the sum total of what is on my mind at the moment.**_

 _ **And it's a total waste of time as well. Painfully unproductive.**_

 _ **I hate being unproductive.**_

 _ **Bore bores boring bored**_

 _ **Not to mention a complete waste of resources. Landfills are full of unrecyclable paper while the rainforests keep diminishing. This utter nonsense is contributing to the problem.**_

 _ **Paige wants me to do this. I love Paige.**_

 _ **Conclusion? I'm doing this.**_

 _ **Pi R2**_

 _ **No, pie are round.**_

 _ **Joke jokes joking joked**_

 _ **Paige told me she likes it when I make jokes.**_

 _ **I told that joke at dinner last night. No one laughed. In fact, they all looked at me like I was speaking in Cantonese. Or I'd sprouted a second head.**_

 _ **I'm stuck in high school all over again.**_

 _ **I'm surrounded by males with thick necks to hold up their solid concrete heads who only discuss sports and beer and the relative size of body parts. Either theirs or women's other than their wives'. Needless to say, I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.**_

 _ **In total contrast, their wives and girlfriends' heads are bubbles filled with helium. Helium is even lighter than air. They chatter and shriek and giggle and gossip the gas constantly escaping.**_

 _ **How are they refilling so their empty skulls don't collapse? Must have a tank hidden somewhere. Worth investigation? Might prove to be the most interesting thing to do here.**_

 _ **Not fair.**_

 _ **These are Paige's college friends. Her sorority sisters and their significant others. They invited us to this 'Spark the Memories' weekend.**_

 _ **I think I'd prefer being lit on fire.**_

 _ **We're at a spa.**_

 _ **Spa is two letters shy of spasm. Which is what I'm about to have. I'm convinced I will expire of either irritation or boredom before this weekend is over. At this point the odds are 50/50.**_

 _ **Be nice.**_

 _ **I'm incapable.**_

 _ **Try harder.**_

 _ **I know time is a construct of human perception, but this is the longest weekend I've ever endured.**_

 _ **Conclusion? Being human sometimes sucks.'**_

"Times up! Pens down. Now exchange papers with your partner."

What?!

Oh, hell.

OXOXOXOXOXO - Three Weeks Before - OXOXOXOXOXO

Walter should have known something was up.

Paige had made arrangements for Ralph to spend the night with Sylvester. Then she made all his favorites for dinner. And for dessert, she wore a brand new mouth-watering negligee and did all his favorite things in bed. Right down the line.

When they were both replete and sated and satisfied in every way possible, relaxed and happy, she sprung it on him.

Snap! Just like a mousetrap.

He knew one of Paige's sorority sisters from college had gotten back in contact with her recently. The two of them got together for lunch a few times when he and Ralph had other plans on some Saturday afternoons.

He'd even met Amber on one occasion when he came to pick Ralph up. She seemed nice enough if a little vacuous.

Well apparently, Amber heard about this 'amazing place' in Palm Springs and decided it would be 'fabulous' if everyone from their old crowd could come together for a reunion weekend. The more people they could get to sign up, the bigger the discount. So, even though Paige dropped out of college when she had Ralph and she'd lost touch with a lot of her old friends, Amber asked if Paige would like to come along. Since everyone else was bringing spouses or significant others and Paige was a little nervous to see everyone again after so long, she really wanted Walter to attend with her.

Paige assured him it would be ' _Fun_!' And she said it would be nice to get away together for a weekend. She also said it would be good for them to make 'couple friends'.

Walter didn't understand why Cabe and Allie and Toby and Happy weren't considered enough in the 'couple friends' category. When he expressed his confusion, Paige patiently explained to him he still needed to make more normal friends outside of the garage.

Well Allie was a normal and also outside the garage, wasn't she? That thought sounded rather petulant in his head, so he chose not to voice it. He didn't want to start an argument.

Plus, he considered Paige the ultimate authority on his emotional growth and development, so with what turned out to be an inadequate amount of trepidation, he agreed to go.

OXOXOXOXOXO - One Day Before - OXOXOXOXOXO

It didn't start off so bad. Largely because the two of them made the short two and a half hour journey to Palm Springs on their own after dropping Ralph off at the sitter's house. Paige was so excited. She talked animatedly during the whole drive and Walter was glad they were doing something that made his girlfriend so happy. He'd already had a lot of fits and starts as a boyfriend, but there was no one on Planet Earth who wanted to succeed in a relationship as much as Walter O'Brien. He wasn't much looking forward to the particulars of the weekend himself, but if Paige was happy, he was more than glad to endure it for her sake.

When the GPS directed them into the gates of resort, Paige turned to him and breathed, "Isn't it gorgeous?"

The view he was admiring had nothing to do with the palm tree lined drive or the blinding white stucco villas with turquoise trim or the desert mountain vista in the background, but instead he was captivated by the stunning woman beside him. "Spectacular," Walter grinned at her obvious enthusiasm remembering her reaction to the fancy hotel suite in Vegas years before. This time he would indulge her every possible whim and not begrudge her the fancy umbrella drinks or fussy, gourmet treats just so he could see that specific pleased and slightly awestruck look on her beautiful face.

As they were pulling into the circle by reception, she looked at him and answered his grin with a wide smile of her own. "Walter, I love you for doing this. Well, I love you all the time. But seriously, I know this isn't your thing and I appreciate you doing it for me." Then she pressed a kiss to his cheek and leaned her head on his shoulder.

That was the high note of the trip.

It started to go sour the minute they entered the lobby and were greeted by the high pitched squealing of one of Paige's friends running to meet her. It was not unlike the shrill whistle of a boiling teakettle.

As Walter winced, he wondered if he should have packed his earplugs.


	2. Chapter 2

FACEPALM SPRINGS

CHAPTER 2

 **AN: Hope you guys enjoy this update. I'll be unplugged and off the grid for a few days, so the next part to this won't be published til the next month. Happy trails until we meet again! Hope this latest installment got a giggle outta you!**

"Can you help me with my zipper, please? I think my hair is caught in it." Paige turned her back to Walter and flipped the rest of her hair over her shoulder. He stepped up behind her, deftly disentangled the strands and finished zipping her up while silently wishing they could stay in their villa until Sunday's check-out time. He was positive unzipping would prove to be much more entertaining and the peace and quiet would be beneficial for the headache that was just beginning to throb behind his eyes.

"Thanks for that," she said. Then as he sat back down on the end of the bed to finish tying his shoes, and she leaned toward the mirror to touch up her make-up, she added, "Abby asked us to sit with her and her husband at dinner. Is that okay?"

The teakettle? Oh, boy.

Walter crinkled up his nose and grimaced. But he managed to reply with only a slightly pained, "Okay."

Paige paused, her lipstick only half way applied. "What's that face for?"

Crap. She'd seen his reaction in the mirror.

"Nothing." He shook his head, expression all innocence, but he thought, ' _My ears are still ringing_.' Then he threw in as a further distraction and because it was an irrefutable fact, "You are absolutely stunning in that dress."

Walter didn't fool Paige for a minute though. She managed to look both amused and stern when she turned to face him. "Thank you, Walter. You're looking very nice, yourself. And I know she's not exactly… Well, she's not the smartest friend I've ever had. And she's very excitable. But she really is sweet and well meaning. So be nice. Got it?"

 _'She's more like an experiment in Artificial Stupidity gone right_.' Walter hid that thought behind a sheepish grin. He nodded and said, "Sure. Got it."

Paige finished smoothing on her lipstick and made her way over to him. She took his hands and pulled him to a standing position. "Don't worry. I'll be there to protect you." Her eyes twinkling flirtatiously, she brushed at his lapels then patted him playfully on the cheek. "Ready?" She asked.

Why did he feel like that question should be accompanied by a blindfold and followed by the words 'Aim' and 'Fire'? However, he answered with, "Ready," before extending his elbow, internally coaching himself to be polite or keep his mouth firmly closed.

OXOXOXOXOXO

They'd barely breached the doorway of the lounge where pre-dinner cocktails were being served, when the teakettle steamed her way over to them emitting a stream of giggles so piercing Walter was surprised the glassware in the room didn't explode. She grabbed Paige's other arm and dragged her toward the group huddled around the wet bar. He was pulled along in the undertow as his girlfriend still had her arm hooked through his.

"I want you to meet my pookie-bear," the woman squeaked, her hands fluttering around excitedly like a moth on crack until they came to rest on a hulk of a man three times her size whose football muscles were quickly turning into middle-aged chub. She blinked witlessly at Paige and Walter as if they should be incredibly impressed.

"Nice to meet you," Paige smiled indulgently at Abby while extending her hand to the behemoth at the kettle's side. She tilted her head toward her own boyfriend while the man vigorously pumped her hand up and down. "This is Walter."

"Hey, man," Pookie said, jerking his wobbling double chin in Walter's direction.

Walter nodded at the other man as Abby pulled Paige away once again toward their other friends. "Um, Pookie-bear?"

"Yep. That's me. Heh heh heh. I sometimes think she just doesn't remember my actual name," the man, who still hadn't given his real name, said chuckling jovially, "But what can I say, she's a wild cat in the sack. Heh heh heh." He nudged Walter in the ribcage with a beefy elbow knocking him slightly off balance.

Walter rubbed absently at his sore ribs and returned rather grumpily, "While they are loud and mating happens frequently when she is in heat, the female lion only copulates for an average of twenty-one seconds each time. I'm not sure the term 'wild cat' is a compliment."

The guy threw back his head and guffawed heartily before clapping Walter on the back almost sending him face first into the bar. "I like you, Wally. What's your poison?" He pointed to the plethora of bottles behind the bar with his own highball glass filled with amber-colored liquor and ice cubes.

"Oh, uh. No, thanks. No, uh, poison for me."

Pookie leaned toward him conspiratorially, and whispered loudly, "What'sa matter? You in the AA or somethin'?"

Walter shook his head. "No. I just don't drink. I find it impairs cognitive function."

The guy nodded sympathetically. "Yeah. I hear ya. Sometimes I can't get it up after a few too many either."

Walter barely contained the urge to roll his eyes. "A tragedy."

Paige, Amber and another woman wandered back over with Abby the Kettle. The unknown woman's blouse was cut so low Walter could see nearly all her ample wares on proud display. His eyes widened before he averted them quickly.

"Look who I found, Babycakes!" Abby shrieked addressing her formerly named Pookie-bear, who was already openly ogling the displayed wares.

Paige smiled at Walter and said, "This is Allison. And you've already met Amber."

He nodded to them trying to focus his eyes on a point far north of their chests.

Meanwhile Abby gushed to her man, "See? It's the triple A's all together again! Isn't this great?!" She ended that sentence on a note so high it was almost only audible to bats. Dingbats. She was nearly hopping up and down in her enthusiasm.

Babycakes leaned toward Walter muttering from the corner of his mouth, "More like Double D 's than triple A's."

Walter was thinking if brain power was equivalent to battery power, the trio definitely fit the triple A descriptor.

Allison, who Walter could tell was more than a little tipsy, suddenly leapt toward him and grabbed him by his collar. She stood on tiptoe and placed a sloppy, smacking kiss on the genius' cheek. He was enveloped in a cloud of powdery, musky cologne and alcohol fumes as she hugged him, squashing those mostly exposed double D's right up against his chest and slurring, "Well, aren't you the cutest?! Paige is one lucky lady! She could always pick 'em. I mean Drew was hot, but you? You are legit luscious! I could just eat you right up!"

"Allison," Paige's eyes narrowed a fraction before she interrupted a little tightly, "You're scaring him." True enough Walter's face wore a look of abject horror. He stood stiffly while Paige and Amber pried their drunken friend away.

Her smile a little strained but ever the peace keeping liaison, Paige suggested, "How about we all go into dinner now. Anyone else besides me hungry?"

Oh, someone was hungry, alright! And the way Allison's eyes were still devouring him left Walter feeling like the choicest cut of meat on the menu. He was afraid this wasn't the only evening the woman would try to order up a little Walter tartare for an appetizer.


	3. Chapter 3

FACEPALM SPRINGS

CHAPTER 3

 **AN: Poor Walter. That is all I have to say before laughing maniacally! Bwahahahaha**

While the pre-dinner cocktail hour could be described as merely unfortunate, the actual dinner was excruciating.

Abby, the dimmest of the 'Triple A's', thought it would be an 'absolutely brill' idea if all the girls sat together at one table so they could catch up. Walter inferred 'brill' was short for brilliant, but his notion of a brilliant idea involved something more like Newton's physics. None the less, he wasn't consulted. This 'segregated by gender' idea was more along the lines of Tesla's ill-fated Earthquake Machine… or the invention of Sauna Pants… or this stupid reunion weekend. But what could be reasonably expected from someone whose IQ was roughly equivalent to her shoe size? People probably had to nudge the woman occasionally to remind her to blink.

He flashed a tortured look at Paige and she mouthed a contrite, "I'm sorry," as she was once again towed away to sit with her female friends at a table opposite from his, leaving him sandwiched between his new bestfriend 'Babycakes' and a guy everyone kept calling 'Tuck' whose prominent brow and protruding mouth strongly reminded Walter of a primitive cave dweller.

Tuck, as it turned out, was drunken Double D Allison's husband. And it quickly became apparent he illogically blamed Walter for the awkward, unreturned embrace and the hungry looks his wife kept throwing at the genius. The hostility was rolling off him in palpable, radioactive waves. His current image could be used to educate and warn the public about the dangers of roid rage, and Walter was convinced the guy was entertaining himself with fantasies of using his face as a speed bag at whatever ratty gym he probably frequented. He purposely and forcefully shoved into Walter as he was sitting down nearly causing the genius to fall into a crumpled heap beside his teetering chair.

Fortunately the brainless Babycakes was oblivious to the tension and quickly engaged Tuck in a lengthy, mostly one-sided conversation involving an exhaustive play-by-play of some sporting event in which the two participated long ago. Tuck was responding in monosyllabic words and unintelligible grunts while glowering at Walter, his already small, close-set eyes narrowed almost to slits.

The whole discussion made Walter wish he was born deaf, but he could at least be grateful his life wasn't actively in danger while the gabbling and grunting continued on around him. However, after several long minutes, it did make him seriously reconsider his decision to remain sober.

When the man seated adjacent to him began to speak, Walter was momentarily hopeful of finding intelligent life at this event. But in the end, NASA had more luck combing the far reaches of the galaxy.

"Hey. You're Walter O'Brien, aren't you?" The guy asked politely.

At the genius' nod, he extended his hand to shake and continued, "I've read articles about you. Very interesting business you're in. Is it a money maker?"

" _At last. Someone I can talk to_ ", he thought. Walter shook his hand briefly, then sat back and answered, "We do alright. Mostly we're just trying to use our unique giftedness to advance the greater good where we can."

Looking impressed, the man introduced himself, "I'm Sam Sledge."

Babycakes abruptly turned his attention to them and snickered. "We called him 'The Hammer' at school."

Walter quirked one eyebrow. "Clever. I get it. Like sledgehammer?"

"Nah, man! Cuz he could always nail the ladies!" Babycakes burst into hearty, raucous laughter while Tuck, still scowling, grunted his ascent, his lip curling slightly.

The Hammer had the grace to look a bit sheepish, but he smiled good-naturedly when he said, "It started because of sledgehammer, but I'll admit I had a few killer moves back in the day."

He'd handled that well. Walter's retained his respect for him until he added, "Don't worry. I never got with Paige, though." Then winking broadly he leaned in and said sotto voce, "Not for lack of trying before Drew knocked her up…"

It was Walter's turn to glare, indignant and incredulous in the face of the inappropriate comment. For a minute he considered giving the guy a blistering piece of his mind as he could definitely spare it and these men could certainly use more, but he knew Paige would want him to 'take the high road'. She'd finally explained exactly what that meant. As if on cue, his girlfriend picked that moment to catch his eye. So, he bit down on his tongue and swallowed the furious words. He couldn't quite mask the contempt in his expression, but he gave Paige a tight-lipped smile hoping she wouldn't see it.

"She would never give us the time of day because of Baker anyway," Babycakes threw in, clueless as always to the undercurrent. Then he added, "I think you banged all three of the triple A's though, right?"

Tuck's massive hand slapped the table hard causing the dishes to jump and clatter back down as they settled. The three wide-eyed men around him jumped too and were finding it a little harder to settle.

Sledge cleared his throat and said cautiously, "Er, uh, ancient history," Then trying to ignore the fuming and frowning mammoth in their midst, he pulled business cards from his pocket and handed one each to Walter and Babycakes. He also left one on the table a safe distance from Tuck's clenched fist.

"It seems like you're in kind of a dangerous line of work, Walter. Can I call you Walt?" The Hammer didn't pause for breath long enough for anyone to answer, let alone give permission before he started in on his spiel. "Myself? I'm in the life insurance line. Top salesman three years running. You know people can't be too careful these days. We aren't guaranteed another minute…" His pitch went on and on and on all the way through dinner.

Walter would have corrected all of the man's inaccurate facts and statistics, but it might have encouraged him and he didn't pause long enough anyway. At one point, the genius noticed Babycakes' stare was fixed and he was practically drooling into his plate from boredom. The only advantage to The Hammer's droning was the somatic effect it had on Tuck who nodded off sometime during the explanation of the difference between Term and Whole policies. People probably bought insurance from this guy just to get him to shut the hell up.

When The Hammer was momentarily distracted as the wait staff brought in pie for dessert, Walter saw and seized the opportunity to change the subject. A little too loudly, he asked the group, "Does anyone know the formula for finding the area of our dessert?" Even the ladies' table suddenly fell silent and everyone was looking at him strangely. "No one? Uh, Pi R squared...? No, pie are round!... Get it?"

Crickets.


	4. Chapter 4

FACEPALM SPRINGS

CHAPTER 4

"Hold still a minute," Paige dabbed a cold, wet cloth under Walter's nose trying to stem the thin trickle of blood. He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth and wincing, jerked his head to one side.

Walter was sitting on the bathroom counter in their villa, while Paige stood between his knees tending to his injuries.

She gently grasped his chin, turned his face toward hers again and resumed her fussing. Attempting to distract him as much as to gather information, Paige asked, "How exactly did this happen? I thought we were having a good time. We were all just dancing. The next thing I know you're on the floor."

She was trying to be understanding, but Walter knew her well enough now to see she was hiding her impatience. "I'm sorry. I know I probably spoiled your evening."

She gave him a wry smile. "Not as much as Tuck's fist spoiled yours."

While she gathered ice from the bucket on the counter into another cloth, she asked again, "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

Walter winced for a different reason. "You'll be mad."

"Probably. But I'll forgive you. I always do." She brushed her lips softly over his forehead right above the impressive bruise that was slowly blossoming between his eyes where Tuck's fist made contact.

"I thought the dancing was the best part of the evening at first," he told her, trying to put a positive spin on it, "and everything was going fine when you and I were paired up together." It had been very much better than fine, in fact. All the couples were dancing outside on the pool deck. The spa had draped the palm trees surrounding the pool in hundreds of twinkle lights that reflected off the surface of the water. The moon and starlight added to the ambience. It reminded Walter of Happy and Toby's wedding. He was so lost in the sensation of Paige in his arms and his happy reminiscing of other times he'd danced with her he almost forgot the earlier aggravations he'd suffered at dinner.

"Agreed. Go on." She held the makeshift ice pack up to a place below where her lips had been moments before.

Walter replaced her hand on the bundle with his, holding it in the spot where the cold would do the most good. Sighing, he reluctantly continued, "You remember Allison wanted to cut in. Did you hear what she said?"

"Not exactly, no. The music was really loud and the wind was blowing."

"She said she was into partner swapping. Then she laughed." Walter couldn't hide his moue of distaste.

"Oh. Ew. No. I didn't hear that part." It was Paige's turn to cringe. "Sorry. If I'd known I never would have left you with her."

"To be honest, I really didn't pick up on her meaning at that time. It wasn't until you went to dance with Sam that it got…"

"Gross? Weird?"

"You could say that, yes. She, uh, got really… close and started whispering in my ear something about wanting the DJ to play swing music because she is really into swinging."

"What the hell?! She did _not_ say that!"

"She did. I promise. But I confess I still didn't grasp the double entendre at that time either."

Paige didn't appear angry at him like he feared. Her beautiful face was full of amused affection. "What did you do then?"

"I asked if she would like for me to request a specific song. I really just wanted an excuse to get away from her. I was uncomfortable and her perfume was all but choking me. But she gave me a funny look and laughed again."

"I'll bet. That still doesn't explain what happened."

"Well, Tuck already wanted to hit me earlier in the evening after she embraced me when we met, so he was watching us dance the whole time."

"Okay. But you danced with her through almost a whole song. What made him attack you at the very end of it?"

"She, uh… Well, she-she grabbed my… She put her hands on…" He leaned toward Paige and said the last words quietly, "my-my buttocks."

"WHAT?! I'm seriously going to kill the bitch! She was always a little too flirty with everyone else's boyfriends…"

Walter caught Paige's hand as she whirled toward the bathroom door presumably to go give Allison a matching bruise. "No. I took care of it. That isn't what caused the incident either. It's… I know you want me to take the high road, but…"

"Not this time, Walter. I'd like to take her ass up a high road and toss her over the side. You had every right to do whatever you needed to do. So what happened? What finally set him off?"

The genius sighed. "Well, I grabbed her wrist and told her you and I are happily monogamous and I strongly suggested she should try it out sometime. Then I took her over to her husband who was glaring daggers at us anyway. Then I… Do you really want to hear this? I don't want to add to your agitation."

"Just tell me. It's okay. I'll recover."

"First, Tuck ordered me to take my hands off of his wife. I simply told him it wasn't _my_ hands he needed to worry about. I told him I understood certain parts of the anatomy shrink with regular steroid use. I might have implied that if she was satisfied at home she may not feel the need to-to feel…other people. And I might have given him a few helpful suggestions for articles to read on how to please women. And I made it a point to tell him they are probably on his reading level because they include pictures and diagrams."

Paige snickered into her palm. "You… You didn't. No wonder he punched you."

"He didn't actually punch me until I took Allison's hand and placed it on his buttocks. I was in the middle of explaining to her how one set feels anatomically similar to all others…"

His girlfriend bent over double, grasping the counter as her laughter rang off the bathroom walls.

"Yes. Very amusing." Walter couldn't help but grin in the face of her infectious mirth. "The next thing I remember I was on the floor and the teakettle was shrieking. She must have broken my fall."

"The teak… You mean, Abby?" That seemed to set her off again. Paige clutched her stomach and tried to regain her composure without much success.

"Yes."

"Oh, Walter," she said when she finally caught her breath. She patted his shoulder. "Poor you. I'm sorry about what happened."

"So, you aren't mad at me?" He dropped the hand holding the ice pack to the counter and looked her square in the eyes.

"Why would I be? I think you were provoked enough. In this case, you probably held out longer than most normal people would've. And you must have missed the part where Abby's husband shoved Tuck in the pool. I think you made a new, loyal friend out of him."

"Babycakes? Yeah, he seems to have taken a liking to me."

"B-Babycakes?!" Peals of laughter escaped again.

"I liked that better than Pookie-bear."

"S-stop! Oh, no… P-pookie…" She struggled to bring herself under control.

Lips still twitching a little, she sobered as she looked at his bruises. "I'm really sorry about your poor nose. Are you in a lot of pain?" She set her hands on his shoulders and stepped closer.

"Nah. It hurt worse when Happy punched me in the face that time. I'll be okay."

Being careful to avoid his nose, Paige tilted her head to one side and kissed him lingeringly on the lips. "Tomorrow I promise not to leave your side and we will avoid Allison and Tuck altogether. Reunion partners in crime?"

"Deal." Walter smiled up into her face. "What's on the agenda for tomorrow?"

"Well, we're scheduled for a couple's massage first thing in the morning."

Walter's eyes went round in horror until Paige went on, "But I think I could be talked into skipping it and sleeping in. On one condition."

She took his hands and pulled him slowly off the counter until he was standing up.

"What's that?" He asked, willing to do almost anything to get out of letting a stranger rub around on him for an hour.

Paige put her hands on his waist and let them glide around to the small of his back. "Mmmmm. If you'll let me judge for myself." She kissed the cleft in his chin before resting her head against his shoulder.

He traced her jaw line with his fingertips then trailed them along her neck until they rested at the nape underneath her hair. "Judge? Judge what?"

Her hands caressed downward from his waist and she curved her palms over his backside giving it a light squeeze then a couple of firm pats. "If your buttocks are anatomically similar to everyone else's."


	5. Chapter 5

FACEPALM SPRINGS

CHAPTER 5

 **AN: Here it is. The finished product. I hope you enjoyed the ride!**

In spite of a residual dull ache in his forehead and nose a dose of an anti-inflammatory agent mostly remedied, Walter felt pretty good about his circumstances going into Saturday. Equilibrium was restored.

It was undoubtedly due to the fact he didn't leave the villa until almost noon.

He and Paige enjoyed room service for breakfast, then they spent another pleasant half hour judging to see if each other's various body parts were anatomically similar to everyone else's. It was unanimously decided between the two of them theirs were actually far superior in every way.

After their exhaustive, conclusive and extremely thorough as well as biased body part comparison study, she decided to go with Amber to take advantage of some of the spa services and he happily stayed behind in their villa answering email and reading an article he'd found by a renowned physicist he admired.

He was so absorbed in the new and fascinating theory he didn't hear Paige come back until she was standing right by him and leaned in for a kiss.

"Earth to Walter," she teased with a smile before brushing his lips with hers. "Are you ready to rejoin the human race for a bit? Lunch is being served by the pool in about forty minutes."

For the sake of domestic tranquility, he really did try to quell his irritation at having to put his reading aside to go socialize with a bunch of idiots by telling himself the article wasn't going anywhere. But Paige being Paige, she read his facial expression quite accurately like he was an article about truculent geniuses with low EQ. "I'll be right there with you this time. And I really don't mind if you take your computer. It might just keep you out of trouble for a little while."

Her assurances made him feel somewhat less reluctant. Or maybe it was the personal burlesque show she put on for him when she was changing into her swimsuit that helped. Or the activities that inevitably followed the show. No doubt about it, her body parts were still far superior in his opinion, but he was always glad for further examination to make sure his earlier observations were absolutely correct. Science was all in the details.

They were late for lunch.

At any rate, some sixty-five minutes later Walter found himself in hastily tugged on swim shorts and a T-shirt lured outside to sit self-consciously by the pool in the shade of one of the umbrellas. Even partially hidden behind sunglasses, he was well aware his face closely resembled a raccoon's with his two black eyes while his legs looked more like a flamingo's, long and thin and pale from lack of sun exposure. At least his knees didn't bend backward like a wading bird's. One had to seek the positives where ever they could be found.

Gratefully Walter noticed Paige chose a spot as far away from both Tuck and Hammer as she could possibly get, but even with the whole length of the pool between them, it still wasn't nearly enough distance. Bangladesh wouldn't be far enough away as far as Walter was concerned.

His tablet was perched on his lap and he was trying in vain to concentrate on the physics article while constantly being distracted. By waiters bringing drinks as if anyone needed to consume alcohol so early in the afternoon. By the teakettle whistling anytime anyone she recognized came outside to join the group. By the way Paige looked in her red swimsuit he now knew he could successfully untie with his teeth while his hands were otherwise occupied. By the other men looking at Paige like they wanted to give untying her suit a try themselves. By Babycakes rattling loudly on and on about something so illogical it was impossible for any sane person to follow. By the other males around the pool laughing and shoving and snapping towels at each other. By the other females surrounding them giggling and gossiping about one another, taking sharp verbal jabs at anyone out of earshot.

But the biggest distraction of all came in the form of Tuck taking a running leap into the pool, pulling off a successful cannonball right in front of them. Walter and Paige were completely doused along with their towels, food and shoes. Walter looked down and watched as his hair dripped steadily onto the screen of his tablet right before it fritzed-out, restarted and then died right in his hand. Logic was drowned out not only by the rush of freezing water, but by the wave of fury that swamped him. He would have thrown the now useless object at the brute's head if Paige hadn't laid her hand on his arm, drops from her saturated cover up's sleeve plopping at intervals onto his thigh.

It wasn't long before Allison and Tuck started screaming at each other dramatically, giving everyone else at the pool ring side seats to everything wrong in their relationship.

Irate and soaked, Paige and Walter slowly squished and slid back to their villa to change.

OXOXOXOXOXO

Walter noticed right away something was wrong with Paige.

She was uncharacteristically quiet when they were changing into dry clothes. She said she was fine, but Walter could tell she wasn't.

"Are you sure you aren't annoyed with me? Did you want me to confront Tuck about the cannonball incident?" He asked worriedly.

"No. I'm not annoyed with you. But I might be if you keep asking me the same question over and over. And I definitely don't want you confronting Tuck. He wouldn't understand if you tried talking to him and he'd only get more physically abusive. Then I'd have to kill him and you would have to raise my son alone because I'd be in prison. Believe me, Tuck's not worth the bother."

"The high road sucks," Walter grumbled to himself before saying to Paige, "It would be deemed justifiable homicide, I'm sure. You would probably be lauded a hero by many." She only gave him a weak smile, so he decided to change the subject by inquiring, "What's next on the agenda?"

It was her turn to make a face this time. He didn't know quite how to interpret it, but she looked frustrated and her tone sounded disgruntled to him when she answered, "We're supposed to play 'get-to-know-you' games in the parlor."

Walter's first thought was he'd rather be tarred and feathered, but he put on his best brave face when she took his hand and led him out the door. Only twenty-four hours in genius hell left to go. Prison might just be worth it if he could get out of playing ignorant conversation starter games with this group.

OXOXOXOXOXOXO

" _Times up! Pens down. Now exchange papers with your partner."_

 _What?! Oh, hell._

Paige held out a hand for Walter's paper just as he turned it over and slapped his palm on top before raising anguished eyes to hers.

She shook her hand at him and beckoned with her fingers in an impatient gesture as she slid her own paper toward him.

"We really don't have to exchange, you know. No one will know if we just read our own," he leaned toward her and whispered.

Paige sighed and whispered back, "Just hand it to me. Let's get this over with."

He unwillingly slid his paper over to her and accepted hers. She'd already threatened one person with murder that day. Surely she wouldn't kill him. That would leave Ralph to be raised by wolves. Or Drew, which would be worse. She had to know that. Right?

Not even looking at what she wrote, he cringed as he watched closely for her reaction to his uncensored thoughts about her friends. Because she was beside him and looking down, her hair was obscuring her face, but he saw her hand go to her mouth like she was shocked. Then her shoulders started shaking.

All of the sudden, her chair screeched back from the card table and she was on her feet rushing for the door.

He'd really done it now.

Dread flooded the pit of his stomach as he followed her out into the hall.

He found her with her back pressed to the wall, face still hidden by her hair. She was making choking sounds. Walter felt so bad. He hadn't meant to cause her emotional distress. Stupid low EQ!

He approached Paige cautiously. She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes.

But she wasn't crying. She was completely overcome...

With amusement. Her laughter burst forth as soon as their eyes met.

"R-read mine. Read it! Oh..." she gasped trying to catch her breath and looked at him with expectation.

Walter glanced down at the paper in his hand.

 _ **'This is SO stupid.**_

 _ **That is the only thing on my mind this minute.**_

 _ **What a waste of time this whole weekend has turned out to be.**_

 _ **I have nothing in common with any of these people any more. Do I?**_

 _ **Did I ever?**_

 _ **Was I ever so petty or ignorant or dull constantly talking about nothing but shopping and hairstyles and tearing other people down behind their backs to make myself feel better?**_

 _ **Do I even want to revisit the person I used to be?**_

 _ **I love Walter.**_

 _ **They don't.**_

 _ **Who the hell cares what they think?**_

 _ **I escaped. I learned. I grew.**_

 _ **I miss Ralph. And my genius family. I even miss the garage.**_

 _ **Walter and I need to plan our escape.**_

 _ **He's a genius.**_

 _ **I know he'll come up with something great.**_

 _ **I'm as good as gone!**_

Walter didn't even try to stifle his ear-to-ear grin as they grabbed hands and rushed outside into the sunshine.

Twenty minutes later they were on the highway headed back home, both almost giddy with relief.

Walter turned to Paige and said, "You should probably text Amber and let her know we had to go. She worked hard planning everything."

"That's a dangerous amount of EQ you're showing there, mister." Paige was giving him a melting look that made his insides go all gooey. Maybe it wasn't a scientific analysis, but she often affected him in ways rational thought couldn't explain. "And you're right. I will. Amber really isn't a bad person. And Abby is nice too. I've just... I don't know. Outgrown them, I guess. That sounds superior. I don't mean it like that..."

"No. I know what you meant. It's probably an extreme example, but I outgrew Mark Collins too. In a different way. But I would never want to go back to the person I was when I was friends with him. Paige, when you had Ralph and started struggling to relate to him and to provide for him as well as having other hardships, you started to see what had real significance in your life. You have grown beyond where you were in college when hurt feelings and boyfriends and other peoples' opinions felt so important." He covered her hand with his and squeezed lightly. "Sometimes people who face hardships are better off in the long run."

"You're absolutely right. We are the lucky ones. The whole mood of my weekends used to be based on whether or not Drew's team won their game on Friday nights. Or whether I was invited to the right party. Or what someone said about me. I'm just not that person anymore. And it wasn't only having Ralph or being a broke single mom that changed me. Working at Scorpion? Saving people? That changed my whole perspective on petty problems too. I don't say it nearly often enough, but thank you for everything you've done for me and my son."

"It's me that should be grateful, Paige. I gave you a job and a fresh perspective. You gave me love."


End file.
